Archive for June, 2009

I do believe there is an afterlife. And right now, that afterlife must be pretty damn great. I’d like to offer my deepest condolences to the families of Ed McMahon, Farrah Fawcett, Michael Jackson, and Billy Mays. It’s been a tragic week for the entertainment industry, but can you imagine the fun they’re having?

Ed McMahon is rejoined with Johnny Carson on the The Heaven Tonight Show, as his announcer. Farrah Fawcett is Johnny’s first guest in all her beauty, making the audience think thoughts that would send them to Hell. The musical guest is Michael Jackson, performing “Remember the Time” and “Rock With You”, while moonwalking on clouds to everyone’s amazement. And all the commercial breaks star Billy Mays, who’s promoting the bible, church, and some OxiClean to get the stains out of your flowing white robes.

The Earth will miss them, but they’ve all gone to a better place. May all of you rest in peace.


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As you’ve already heard, Richard Jefferson has been traded to the Spurs, for Fabricio Oberto, Kurt Thomas and Bruce Bowen. I just want to say, that even though our front court is thinner than ever, this trade excites me to no end. I don’t want to do any analyzing or talk about what’s next until after the draft on Thursday. Until then, enjoy the greatness that is Richard Jefferson, and the hotness that is his wife, Teresa Lourenco.

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This post has been a long time coming, but I’ve been delaying it out of not wanting to kick myself in the crotch.

So without further ado, here’s what the Spurs roster should look like, if it wasn’t for trades, complex buyouts, injuries, and the Spurs front office giving up to quickly on potentially good players that fit the system perfectly. Of course hindsight is always 20-20, but this is just for shits and giggles.

Now the bench roster is full of familiar names:

George Hill, G

Michael Finley, G/F

Ian Mahinmi, C

Kurt Thomas, F/C

Bruce Bowen, F

Roger Mason, Jr., G/F

Manu Ginobilli, G

But the starting lineup is where all the changes take place and where depression sinks in, as you notice how the Spurs roster could be shaped today.

*And now, introducing the starting lineup for your San Antonio Spurs! (crowd cheers half heartedly, while stuffing down nachos and beer).

– At guard, from France, number 9, Tony Parker! (graphic cuts to screenshot of Eva Longoria on the Lighthouse, all men in AT&T Center get erection).

– At the other guard, from Brazil, number 10, Leandro Barbosa! (Drafted 28th overall, in the ’03 draft, then traded to Phoenix for a future 1st round pick (2005) – which was then traded to the Knicks, along with the Spurs ’06 1st round pick and Malik Rose, for Nazr Mohammed and Jamison Brewer. The Knicks used those two picks to draft David Lee and Mardy Collins. Players the Spurs passed on to draft Barbosa: All-Star Josh Howard, Jason Kapono, Steve Blake, current hated Spur Matt Bonner, All-Star Mo Williams, and Kyle Korver).

– At forward, from the University of Miami, number 15, John Salmons! (Drafted 26th overall, in the ’02 draft, then immediately traded with Mark Bryant and Randy Holcomb, to the Sixers, for Speedy Claxton. Players the Spurs passed on to draft John Salmons: current Spur Roger Mason, Jr. and All-Star Carlos Boozer).

– At the other forward, from Argentina, number 4, Luis Scola! (Drafted 55th overall, in the ’02 draft, but a buyout kept Scola from coming over until the summer of 2007. Since the Spurs couldn’t afford the buyout, he was traded to the rival Rockets, along with Jackie Butler for Vasileios Spanoulis, cash, and the 53rd overall pick in the upcoming ’09 draft. Spanoulis was released by the Spurs, a month after being traded, citing that he wanted to return to Greece to be near his sick mother.)

– And, at center, from Wake Forest University, number 21, Tim Duncan! (somewhat of a louder cheer, everyone sits down to continue feeding face full of nachos, Whataburger, and beer.)

Notable players missing from roster, who can still have an impact on the Spurs franchise or the NBA: Tiago Splitter (drafted 28th overall in the ’07 draft, was eligible to come to San Antonio last summer, but decided to stay in Europe to receive more money. He can opt out of his deal in the summer of ’10, which holds out some hope for Spurs fans), James Gist (drafted 57th overall in the ’08 draft, played in the Spurs summer league and impressed, but decided to play in Italy for a year to earn more money. He did play very well in Europe and could very well be on the Spurs roster for the season opener, depending on this years draft and free agency), Marcus Williams (33rd overall in ’07 draft, played for the Spurs NBDL affiliate, Austin Toros. Was put on Spurs 15-man roster after Ginobilli was lost for the season.) and Robertas Javotokas (drafted 56th overall in ’01, stayed in the Euroleague and had a horrible motorcycle accident in 2002. He continues to play in Europe at an All-Star level and could eventually come to the NBA, even though he is already 29, the Spurs still own his rights if he chooses to go to the NBA).

Please, feel free to vent in the comments section.

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The Mets/Yankees rivalry seems to be heading to a new level in this series. First, the Luis Castillo fiasco, and now another controversy involving Francisco Rodriguez and…Brian Bruney? What the hell?

Funny, because yesterday I mentioned that I felt bad for Castillo dropping the popup to lose the game, but I didn’t feel bad for K-Rod, because he did his patented yell and chest bump, thinking he had the save. Then, Brian Bruney comes out and says K-Rod’s celebration antics are “a tired act”. K-Rod responded by saying, “He better keep his mouth shut and do his job and not worry about somebody else”.

Thank you, K-Rod! As much as I don’t like Frankie Rodriguez, I agree 100% with what he has to say.

Hey, Brian Bruney, you might want to shut the fuck up. Why don’t you worry about rehabbing your elbow and getting healthy, instead of what the K-Rod’s doing. Besides, you really shouldn’t be talking about players celebrations, when Joba Chamberlain has the same “tired act”.

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You want a hot sports opinion? Fundamentals are important.

If it wasn’t for Luis Castillo not using two hands to catch that pop-up, and if it wasn’t for Derek Jeter and Mark Teixeira being real baseball players, and running out fly balls, the Yankees would’ve lost. I feel bad for Castillo, but the person I don’t feel bad for – Francisco Rodriguez. Hey, K-Rod, next time you want to do your chest bump & yell celebration, because you got someone to popup, for what should’ve been a save, you might want to remember this:


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Today, A.J. Burnett was suspended six games by Major League Baseball, for a little bit of chin music, thrown at Nelson Cruz. Burnett immediately appealed the suspension, which will keep him active, until his hearing with the MLB.

Are you fucking kidding me?! You mean that piece of shit, Vicente Padilla, gets off with a fine after hitting Teixeira twice, TWICE, and Burnett gets suspended for sailing a ball near Cruz’s head that sat him on his ass? Bud Selig & Co. are bigger morons than we give them credit for. Unbelievable. Padilla is one of the league leaders, year in and year out, in hit batsmen, but yet when Burnett goes to defend his teammates, he gets punished!

I understand what Burnett was wrong, but he didn’t even hit him. DIDN’T EVEN HIT HIM! What a fucking joke. Hindsight is 20-20, but if I was A.J. Burnett, and I knew ahead of time that I’d get suspended for throwing at Nelson Cruz, I’d plunk him in the fucking chest. Fuck Nelson Cruz and Vicente Padilla. Fuck the Texas Rangers.

It’s sad that Bobby Jenks admits to plunking someone and gets a monetary fine, but no suspension. But, Burnett goes to defend his teammates, the same way Jenks did, and gets to spend six days playing by himself with his wife. As Peter Gammons said, this is “stupid”.

Hey, Vicente Padilla, you Central-American fuck, have fun playing in the minors or getting cut, since the great Nolan Ryan put your ass on waivers. You may get away with plunking people in Nicaragua, but that shit doesn’t fly here in the USA!

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It’s game day! Let’s make some picks!

Dwight Howard is a monster. This Magic team has the best chance to beat the Lakers, out of any of the other teams that made the playoffs. Orlando has a huge lineup with Howard (6’11”), Lewis (6’10”), Turkoglu (6’10”) to go along with rookie sensation Courtney Lee and newly acquired Rafer Alston. The size may fool you, but Lewis and Turkoglu are deadly from beyond the arc, and Rashard Lewis is one of the best forwards in the NBA. With defensive/three-point specialist Mickael Pietrus coming off the bench, and now with All-Star point guard Jameer Nelson, set to make his return from “season ending” shoulder surgery, this Orlando Magic truly is the best in the East.


L.A. wont be doing a lot of smiling in this series...at least until its over.

L.A. won't be doing a lot of smiling in this series...at least until it's over.

Kobe Bryant. The Black Mamba. All the comparisons to Michael Jordan are finally showing, and it seems that he’ll finally get his “Shaqless” ring. The Lakers front court matches up perfectly with the Magic, as Bynum (6’11”), Gasol (6’11”), and Lamar Odom (6’10”) cancel out the height advantage that Orlando had against Cleveland. Plus the up and coming superstar, Trevor Ariza and the reliable Derek Fisher, Los Angeles is a complete team.


Dwight Howard will turn Andrew Bynum into a non-factor all series.

Dwight Howard will turn Andrew Bynum into a non-factor all series.

The Magic will kill the Lakers when it comes to shooting. No matter how big of a lineup L.A. can put out (Bynum at 5, Gasol – 4, Odom – 3, Ariza – 2 & Kobe running point), they cannot contend with the Magic. That lineup is nothing but defense, but slow compared to the Magic. Not to mention Gasol and Odom are money from within 15 feet, but Lewis and Turkoglu are money from 23. Plus, Dwight Howard being on the inside against Bynum is a straight up mismatch. Howard is faster and more athletic than Bynum, and can abuse him when necessary.

With all that being said, the Lakers will win this series. I hate putting one of the reasons as experience, but when Tyronn Lue and Anthony Johnson are your only players that have been in the NBA Finals, you have a problem. As much as I want the Magic to win this series, as much as I want Stan Van Gundy to get the ring he deserves (Pat Riley owes him badly), and as much as I want to see Dwight Howard get his, it won’t happen. Kobe knows his time of being on top is coming to a close, and if he doesn’t win one now, he won’t ever win another. The Lakers excuse last year was not having Bynum. Well you have him now, along with a rejuvenated Odom and a stellar talent in Ariza…no reason why the Lakers don’t win.

Oh and Phil Jackson’s a better coach than Stan Van Gundy. The fake Ron Jeremy has no damn shot.

Prediction: Los Angeles Lakers in 6 games. (A part of me just died saying that)

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