The Winless Pathetic Crapola’s

The Buffalo Bills

Never in my wildest dreams would I have imagined writing about the Bills, but it’s quick hits, so it’s not like I’m writing in-depth. They’re absolutely awful. The hopes of using CJ Spiller in a Chris Johnson type role has failed, primarily because Chan Gailey refuses to use him. 8 carries for 9 yards is abysmal. But, you can attribute the ineptitude of the Bills to their offensive line and Trent Edwards suckage.

The St. Louis Rams

As a Longhorn fan/future hopeful alum, I love seeing Sam Bradford being brought down to Earth. But, in all honesty, he’s going to be a great NFL quarterback. He’s proved to be worth the #1 draft pick in this years draft, but the growing pains in building a formidable defense and offensive line are going to continue.

The Cleveland Browns

It pains me to say it, Colt McCoy is not the future. What’s worse is Jake Delhomme and Seneca Wallace aren’t band-aids for the present. And Josh Cribbs can’t throw a football…at least I don’t think. I wouldn’t want to be a sports fan in Cleveland right now. Or 5 years from now.

The Detroit Lions

I was dead wrong. Jahvid Best kicks some serious ass…but losing Matt Stafford for a couple weeks is going to be the blow that sends Detroit to an early first round pick in 2011. Slowly but surely, this team is becoming more and more dangerous. Calvin Johnson has shown he can produce, regardless of who the quarterback is. But, if they can manage to protect Matthew Stafford, there will be brighter days ahead for the future inside of Ford Field.

The Carolina Panthers

For fantasy reasons, I’d love to see DeAngelo Williams (the man-beast above) get plenty more carries. But, it’s painfully obvious that for the Panthers to succeed, D-Will and J-Stew need to get at least 15-20 carries each. Matt Moore can’t be successful when he’s forced to throw…and now he’s being benched for rookie Jimmy Clausen.

The San Francisco 49ers

This team was the trendy pick of the year…I was one of the trendy people. But in the pathetic NFC West, there’s no reason to panic. Alex Smith isn’t having his coming out party, he’s just finally meeting his expectations. Coped together with Frank Gore and a good Niners defense, this team is very much in the playoff mix. Just believe in the cross:

The Minnesota Vikings

Dear Vikings fans,

We told you. We told you not to get too excited. You said, “No! We’re not the same! We have a great defense and the best running back in the NFL! Brett won’t have to throw the ball or deal with the elements as much as he did in Green Bay!”

Well, now you’re 0-2 and Favre has four interceptions, compared to the seven he had ALL of last year. What say you now, purple people eaters?

The Dallas Cowboys

Wade Phillips is the 63-year old version of Ralph Wiggum

The panic button has been pushed in Dallas…and for no reason. All their problems can be fixed and fixed this season! Not to mention, they’re only 1 game back of the division leading Giants/Eagles/Redskins (all 1-1). Jason Garrett needs to learn how to run the ball, which should be easy when you have 3 of the best running backs in the NFL. Also, show some damn discipline…which can’t be done under Wade Phillips. It may be an overreaction but it’s the truth. This team will always fail as long as Yuk-Yuk is the head coach.

The Winner Chicken Dinner-er’s

The Tampa Bay Bucs

This team deserves their record, but isn’t as good as they’re playing. The Bucs are the future of the NFC South. All the teams in their division are great, but there’s something special about this group. Josh Freeman and Mike Williams are great, but this team is still missing a running game. When both of your running backs are averaging only 2.7 yards a carry, you can’t be successful. (See: Cowboys, Dallas)

The Kansas City Chiefs

Another team in shape for a great future, but Matt Cassel is a god awful quarterback. Maybe New England just makes quarterbacks look good, but it’s obvious this team needs a long term solution that Charlie Weis can take advantage of. Until then, enjoy the highlight reel that is Jamaal Charles.

The Chicago Bears

He’s got the weapons, he’s the got the perfect system to exploit his talents, and he’s got a coach that’s been to a Super Bowl. The only thing that is stopping this team from being the best in the North is it’s quarterback. I love Jay Cutler…he’s been my fantasy quarterback on multiple teams since his rookie season. But the turnovers need to stay down (which he’s done an excellent job of so far). If the defense stays healthy and Matt Forte proves he’s not a bust, Chicago is a prime Wild Card team.

The Miami Dolphins

I have no idea what to think of this team, and I also don’t know enough to make an intelligent assessment. But with games against the Jets and Patriots coming up, this defense must prove that their performance against Minnesota wasn’t a fluke. Chad Henne and Brandon Marshall should start clicking for touchdown passes soon enough.

The Pittsburgh Steelers

The loss of Dennis Dixon is definitely hurtful to the team, but they’ve survived two weeks 0f Big Ben-less football. And the way the defense has performed, shutting down Matt Ryan and stuffing Chris Johnson, Mike Tomlin looks poised and ready to lead this team to another successful Super Bowl run. Can you imagine the Steelers winning a 7th championship in Dallas? So much for America’s Team.

The Houston Texans

Beastmode Extreme.

I’m not buying into all the hysteria going around this team. Arian Foster is amazing. Matt Schaub is definitely one of the best quarterbacks in the NFL and the best receiver in the league, Andre Johnson, isn’t his only target to throw to. But, their secondary is absolute garbage. The plan is to have a great defensive line, anchored by Mario Williams, so that quarterbacks don’t have time to make the throws needed to win. That plan has failed. No one mentions that the Texans have given up 859 passing yards in two games. Peyton Manning (433 yards), acceptable. But, Donovan McNabb (426 yards) – not so much. They’re definitely a playoff team, but still have a ways to go.

The Green Bay Packers

There’s nothing to take from the Packs first two games. They shut down an underrated Eagles team, until Michael Vick made a cameo and completely dominated, then played the NFL equivalent of a Double-A baseball club in the Buffalo Bills. Clay Matthews is obviously the NFL’s best linebacker through two games (6 sacks), and the offense isn’t clicking yet, but has had it’s flashes. Don’t 0ver-estimate the loss of Ryan Grant. It doesn’t matter who the running back is, as long as Aaron Rodgers is slinging the ball all over. But, it would sure as hell help if they could trade for A-Rod’s former Cal teammate, Marshawn Lynch.

The New Orleans Saints

Kick ass first, screw taking names.

The defending world champs may not look impressive, but they’re getting the job done. As the Super Bowl champions, you’re taking every NFL teams best shot week in and week out. They’ve taken care of the Vikings and made quick work of the 49ers, with their excellent two-minute drill on Monday Night Football. This team doesn’t know what a “Super Bowl Hangover” is, and looks to run away with the South again. But, losing Reggie Bush (broken fibula) for at least 6-weeks is very damaging.

Reason 10: (the rest are after the jump…can’t make it that easy)

Her ass is definitely in grad school.

Reason 9:

She wears this TO WORK...I love Latin America.

Reason 8:

There's nothing clever to say here.

Reason 7:

Like SportsCenters top-10 plays, the best one is always like #7

Reason 6:

This picture is top-2, but that damn logo distracts.

Reason 5:

I'd eat dog poop for a chance to poke her face.

Reason 4:

Gawtdamn Guhdgawd

Reason 3:

Her body is proof that God is a man.

Reason 2:

I'd do unholy things to hear her say "Ay Papi!"

Reason 1:

Look up at the sky and pretend to shake a salt shaker...pretty soon it'll taste salty. /boom roasted

Comments about the vile things you would do to Ines Sainz are welcome.

I really like Ryan Grant…probably more than I should have. His first season with Green Bay was absolutely astonishing, but since then he’s just been serviceable. (Okay actually, he’s been good – but never amounted to the standards he set his first season.) Maybe my expectations were too high, who knows. But let me be the first to say, the drop off between Grant and Jackson is not a big one.

Yes, Ryan Grant has posted three straight 1,200 yard seasons. Yes, Ryan Grant leads the Packers in rushing yards for a running back in his first 3 seasons in green and gold. Yes, he put up 200+ rushing yards against the Seahawks in the 2007 playoffs. I don’t have any evidence to point at Brandon Jackson to be able to do any of that. Hell, Brandon Jackson got drafted in the 2nd round of 2007 and let the undrafted Grant take his spot. But, with the way the Packers run their offense and the way their zone-blocking scheme allows guys like Jackson to succeed, there’s no reason why he couldn’t eclipse 1,000 yards.  He’s been waiting for his time…now that it’s here, I fully expect him to seize the opportunity.

Ryan Grant was the perfect screen pass back, just toss it and let him go to work. Brandon Jackson not only can he do that, but he’s got deceptive power to let Mike McCarthy run the ball up the ass of teams like Minnesota and Chicago.

FANTASY WISE:

Use Brandon Jackson this week just like you would’ve used Grant (if you were fortunate enough to pick him up/handcuff him). Going against the Buffalo defense in Lambeau should give people plenty of confidence that B-Jacks can be the full-time starter. He’s got top-5 RB potential this week.

Greatest Season Opening Game Ever?

With all the hype surrounding the start of the 2010 NFL season with a rematch of last years NFC Championship, there’s a couple things to look for tonight that will set the tone for the season.

SAINTS

Jonathan Vilma

It’s hard to know what to expect from the Saints defense in its second season under Gregg Williams.  This team did not win the Super Bowl because of a great defense, that part is obvious – the question is what have they done to improve themselves?  Under Williams, the Saints defense was a turnover machine.  But can they maintain their hunger for putting the football in Drew’s hands?

Offense is not nearly as complicated.  The issue isn’t whether Drew Brees and the offense will have a Super Bowl hangover, but what has the offense done to change it’s schemes?  Who’s going to pound the rock for New Orleans?  Can Reggie Bush focus with the continuing allegations of his Heisman being stripped from his grasp?

VIKINGS

Adrian Peterson is the real version of Madden's "Fumbleitis"

It’s like beating a dead horse.  AD needs to hold onto the damn football.  Also, don’t get hurt.  When both of those things happen, Adrian Peterson is the best running back in the NFL (Sorry to my fantasy running back, Chris Johnson). The real question is if Brett Favre can replicate anything near what he did last season (not bloody likely) and if he can’t, the Vikings are going to need to run the ball “down their damn throat” as Rex Ryan would say.  And needless to say, Toby Gehart cannot lead the Vikings to a Super Bowl. (UPDATE: Gehart is listed as inactive tonight, leaving Albert Young as the backup.) Lastly, the health of Brett Favre’s ankle (which we can keep track of via Twitter).  The Saints are obviously going to gun to end Favre tonight…it’s just a matter if the refs protect #4, or let the Saints play how they always have.

Defensively, Cedric Griffin cannot stop all of the Saints weapons.  And even though Jared Allen is probably the only person that can hold a candle to Chuck Norris, he’s just one man.  This defense will be nowhere near as dominate as last year.  With the Vikings down to just three healthy cornerbacks, Brad Childress can only hope that the line generates enough pressure on Brees, so he won’t have time to pick off DB’s with the sniper skills of Mark Wahlberg in Shooter.

PREDICTION

There’s no way in hell that this Saints team will let Minnesota come in and ruin their home opener on national television.  Not on Drew Brees’ watch.  New Orleans pulls it out in a thriller, 34-28.

OFFENSE

Aaron Rodgers eating turf, still a problem.

And not only is the offensive line still a problem, it’s the key to entire offense. It’s easy to see that Ryan Grant isn’t the same running back he was in the second half of 2007.  With the hamstring issue in 2008, and the offensive line playing awful the first half of last year, the ground game has never been the same.  Grant only managed 3 TD’s the first half of the season (to 8 the second half) when the offensive line seemed to finally resolve their issues and keep Rodgers upright.  But, Grant did struggle in the pre-season and suffer a minor concussion and regardless of what Mike McCarthy says, Brandon Jackson is far from an every down back.

Can DD be an ageless wonder?

Let’s pretend the offensive line plays all season the way they did the last half of 2009. Who’s Rodgers going to throw too? Greg Jennings and Donald Driver basically put up identical numbers, but now 35 and coming off of two knee surgeries, can Driver hold up for an entire season? Are we really ready for the James Jones/Jordy Nelson era to start? Jermichael Finley can only do so much for a tight end.  Limiting Driver’s playing time to keep him healthy is crucial to the Packers passing attack.

DEFENSE

2009 was the first year for the Packers defense under the notable 3-4 schemer, Dom Capers.  Though the defense went from worst to first under it’s new defensive coordinator, a lot of questions were left remaining about a defensive unit that did nothing to improve itself this off-season.

One of the best cornerback tandems in the NFL, won't been seen until after Week 7.

Last year was probably Green Bay’s best chance at a Super Bowl before having to do a complete rebuild of the secondary.  Packers fans worst nightmares for years has been the age of it’s two elite corners.  While the former Heisman Trophy winner, Woodson, put up a career year winning Defensive Player of the Year honors and being selected to his sixth Pro Bowl, Al Harris made Packers fans worst dreams come true.  After rupturing his spleen in 2008, “Dirty-One” looked poised for a comeback season in 2009 only to completely tear his ACL and end his season, putting his 2010 and career in jeopardy.  Not only were the reports of his full recovery premature, but completely unwarranted.  According to a report, the Packers let Al Harris decide if he was healthy enough to start the season, or to be put on the PUP (Physically Unable to Perform) list, which would keep him out until at least week 7.  Harris not feeling confident enough in his knee is obviously a bad sign, but it’s worse knowing the Packers have no one to replace him.  Sure, Morgan Burnett is going to make a great strong safety along with Nick Collins, but the safeties can only do so much.  Tramon Williams is a good young corner, but doesn’t have an awareness to warrant the starting job.

WHY THEY WON’T

Potential Super Bowl matchup? Yes...but that's about it.

There’s no question, this is the most complete Packers team yet, but you gotta walk before you can run.  Who are we to believe a quarterback that hasn’t won a playoff game and couldn’t even win a division title, can lead this team to a Super Bowl?  The offensive line determines whether or not the Packers will see more than one playoff game in 2010, but if the defense got torched by Kurt Warner, can you imagine what Drew Brees or (gulp) Brett Favre could do?

Well how about two moves and an honorable mention?

1. Trading Luis Scola to the Rockets:

Yes, it’s in red for a reason.  It’s a tiresome argument but it will never go away. Granted Spurs fans didn’t treat this like the Eagles and Ricky Williams, but it’s upsetting nonetheless. The argument is gaining more and more momentum against the Spurs with every passing day. Not only has Scola performed admirably with Yao, but last season anchored the entire frontcourt. Not to mention, Scola led Argentina to a victory against Brazil yesterday with 37 pts and 9 boards.

Scola is a near double-double guy who’s played all 82 games in all three seasons in the NBA. At age 30, the man is still in the prime of his career while playing for a rival. Scola’s trade is emphasized by the fact that the Spurs traded NOTHING to get him. (if you need to be refreshed, I’ve covered it before). Literally nothing. And even though signing Oberto helped bring the Spurs a ring, it still doesn’t compare to what the Spurs could’ve had in Scola.

2. Not resigning Stephen Jackson:

Dude.

A move that still baffles fans to this day. There’s no way the Spurs win a championship in 2003 without Jax. I don’t care if he didn’t play well with Ginobili, I don’t care if he wanted 6 million a year instead of two, and I don’t care if he had questionable “character issues”. The man is everything the Spurs need right now. An excellent pick ‘n roll defender, a tremendous 3-pt shooter and an freakishly athletic small forward. Stephen Jackson > Richard Jefferson. And trading for RJ may soon top this list…or the Spurs resigning him for 4 more years. Either way, this won’t end well.

3. Resigning Matt Bonner for 4 years and giving him a pay raise:

Yes, Matt Bonner has a NBA Championship…but what role did he play with the ’07 Spurs? Oh, that’s right, he was passing Tim Duncan a Gatorade while wearing a suit. He hasn’t even played a second into his new 4 year, 15/16 million dollar contract, but for someone who’s 30, doesn’t play defense well and doesn’t show up when it matters, it’s a lot of money.  Now he’s got 4 more years to continue “sandwich hunting” on Spurs.com.  As Matt Damon would say, “It’s f*ckin’ shameful.”

This picture pisses me off more and more every day.

Am I missing anything? Comments section it.

EASTERN CONFERENCE 

I could just say that the East Finals are going to be Orlando and Cleveland and save myself some time, but what’s the fun in that? 

(1) Cleveland Cavaliers v.s. (8) Chicago Bulls 

They could do this all series, and probably still sweep Chicago.

This series is going to be a joke.  Seriously?  Can we just have it be that the Cavs get a first round bye?  Derrick Rose and Joakim Noah aren’t good enough to even overcome the incompetent Coach Vinny Del Negro and Vice-President John Paxson, let alone LeBron & Co. If the NBA really even wanted this to be a series, they’d make the Cavs dress LeBron in a suit. 

Cleveland Cavaliers in 4 games. 

(2) Orlando Magic v.s. (7) Charlotte Bobcats 

The defending East champs against a first time playoff team is an intriguing matchup, but another bore of a series.  I’ll give the Kittens credit, they have a great team and have the ability to pull an ’07 Warriors like run, but very doubtful. 

MJ's gonna have to wait for his 7th ring...but not too long.

Give them a season or two more, especially now under Jordan, and you may be looking a the new wrecking crew to compete with the elite of the league. 

Orlando Magic in 6 games. 

(3) Atlanta Hawks v.s. (6) Milwaukee Bucks 

This matchup would be great if Andrew Bogut was healthy, but no matter how much the Bucks peaked toward the end of this season, Atlanta’s squad is up and down, too good to be rocked in the 1st round.  Jamal Crawford off the bench, paired with Bibby and Josh Smith, will do quick work of Rookie of the Year candidate, Brandon Jennings.  Milwaukee still could do some damage, and have the ability to be as great as any team in the East, but this isn’t their year.  If they can keep Salmons and find another big to shoulder the load with Bogut (Darko Millicic (yes the same Darko taken #2 overall by Detriot, after LeBron James) would be a good asset), then I’ll take the Bucks seriously. 

Atlanta Hawks in 5 games. 

(4) Boston Celtics v.s. (5) Miami Heat 

The best matchup in the East, and probably the most entertaining series, can only be described in two words. Dwyane Wade. I don’t care what Boston has done, who they have and what experience advantage they may maintain over Miami, Dwyane Wade will dominate Rajon Rondo and Ray Allen with ease. 

He's gotta be unstoppable.

 Factor in a slowed and aging Kevin Garnett, and a Rasheed Wallace, who can’t hit the broad side of a barn, let alone a basket, and this series is a no-brainer.  Also, Boston has the most losses in the NBA, when leading by double digits. 

Miami Heat in 6 games. 

WESTERN CONFERENCE 

(1) Los Angeles Lakers v.s. (8) Oklahoma City Thunder 

Phil Jackson likes to take shots at Kevin Durant.  Ten NBA Championships will do that to you.  But, could Phil be eating his words after this series is over? …no.  Even though the Lakers have the most questions entering the playoffs, its Phil Jackson, Kobe Bryant, Pau Gasol and crazy ass Ron Artest.  The Thunder are a piece or two away from being legit title contenders, but right now, I’m guessing they’ll enjoy the 8th seed.  If I lived in Seattle, I’d be hanging from a noose, waiting for someone to kick the chair away. 

Los Angeles Lakers in 6 games. 

(2) Dallas Mavericks v.s. (7) San Antonio Spurs 

Dear Mavs, have fun stopping these two.

I refuse to go into detail about this series, and I am not going to hide my fandom.  The Spurs are going to make the Mavericks regret last year.  George Hill, a candidate for Most Improved Player, rarely saw the floor in last year’s series, while Manu Ginobili didn’t even get to see his uniform, due to his stress fracture.  Revenge is a dish best served cold. 

San Antonio Spurs in 6 games. 

(3) Phoenix Suns v.s. (6) Portland Trail Blazers 

A tale of two teams.  The uptempo Suns and the injury plagued Blazers.  This series is a joke.  Even though the Thunder, Spurs and Blazers all finished with the same 50-32 record, the Blazers get the 6th seed, due to tie breakers.  Honestly, I feel sorry for Portland…Sam Bowie, Drexler unable to bring them a ring, the Darius Miles incident, Greg Oden’s knee injury and picture of his third leg, and now Brandon Roy’s knee injury…this organization can’t catch a break.  The Suns are going to dismantle the Trail Blazers, to the tune of about 140 points a night. 

Phoenix Suns in 5 games. 

(4) Denver Nuggets v.s. (5) Utah Jazz 

Two coaches that could never seem to win it all, George Karl and Jerry Sloan face off in the first round.  The Nuggets are a team that plays according to their coaches pulse.  J.R. Smith and Melo only seem to be on top of their game when George Karl is sitting on the bench, and when those two are on fire, the rest of the team catches on.  But the Jazz are a team that never gives up, and maybe a deep playoff push will some how convince Carlos Boozer to stay………probably not, he’s already got one foot out the door.  

If Denver wants to win this series, they need to stay out of the house of pain, as much as possible.

 

 The only way Denver wins this series, is if Coach Karl is right there on the court with his team.  Utah needs to steal away home court, if they want to advance at all. 

Denver Nuggets in 7 games. 

 

His advice? Do not use today’s major leaguers as role models.

That’s actually not a bad idea. But then he seems to call out the wrong superstars.

“You see a Manny Ramirez, you see an A-Rod, you see Derek Jeter … Guys that I played against and with, these guys you’re talking about cannot compare.”

He continues with, “We didn’t have the baggy uniforms. We didn’t have the dreadlocks. It was a clean game, and now they’re setting a bad example for the young guys.”

Really? Because we all know how baggy Derek Jeter’s uniform is, and how he lets his hair grow out like nothing. He’s just dirty looking, and only out for his own stats.

Then, when asked who are some current major leaguers that are Hall of Fame worthy, he says, Ichiro Suzuki (yes), Ken Griffey, Jr. (yes) and Jim Thome? Wait, you mean the same Jim Thome, who has less hits than Edgar Renteria? He doesn’t have 2,000 hits, no MVP’s, 3rd on the all-time strikeouts list, and a .229 post-season BA? Not to mention, Jim Thome is under the cloud of the “Steroid Era”. No great hitter, of the Steroid Era, will go without questioning. That includes Jim Thome.

Mr. Rice, you may want to go check yourself. Derek Jeter has been nothing but the model baseball player. If I had kids, I would want them to idolize Derek Jeter. And not because I’m a Yankees fan, it’s because of what he represents. It’s not everyday that you see a bi-racial superstar, who is as humble as can be, doesn’t cheat, and plays the game the right way.

Donte Stallworth was drunk driving, when he killed a pedestrian. Spent 30 days in prison. He is suspended for the entire 2009 NFL season, but is still serving a shorter suspension than Vick.

Plaxico Burress shot himself in the leg, with an unregistered handgun, in a New York nightclub. Will serve two years in prison, along with another two years “supervised release”. Not to mention, was suspended by the Giants toward the end of last season, and is suspended indefinitely by the NFL.

Now I know that all these crimes occurred in different states, but that’s the problem. If Donte Stallworth would’ve done that same crime in Texas, there is a very serious chance that he’d be on Death Row. Plus, the fact that Stallworth tested positive for marijuana after he committed manslaughter.

The legal system sucks. Free Plaxico.

Come to find out after the game, Mexico is undefeated (11-0 or something), when the opposing team scores first. The Yanks could not hold on to possession, got worn out by Mexico’s camp set on their half of the field, and that ridiculous altitude. I would have like to seen the US have a longer training camp than they did. Probably would have helped them click on the field a little better. On the other hand, Mexico seems to have found their magic again and that makes Concacaf a better place.

The US is still in good position to qualify for the World Cup. A must win, against El Salvador, is around the corner in Utah next month, which the US should win. But now the race for a spot in 2010 South Africa has truly arrived, which is great for the people who love the “Beautiful Game.”